The three Rs of computer maintenance

It doesn’t matter how literate one is. When it comes to making a computer work, one has to learn the three Rs all over again…

BC: The next time someone tells me that a computer helps save time, I will...

AD: Hold on, what happened?

BC: The day before yesterday, the net was slow - I had to wait for the pages to load. Yesterday, my computer had slowed down – it was an eternal wait even to open a word file. Today, my computer has crashed and now I'm waiting for the maintenance guy…

AD: Relax, patience is a virtue...

BC: That holds only for doctors, not for old timers with computer problems... Isn't there a crash course for me to learn these things?

AD: A ‘crash’ course? You wouldn’t dare pun on a topic like that, would you? Seriously speaking, there are no short-cuts – you need to start with the three Rs.

BC: You are kidding me – Reading, wRiting and aRithmetic?

AD: No, Restart, Reinstall and Reformat. Isn't that what most computer maintenance guys do? They restart your machine a few times to see if it begins working again. If that doesn't solve the problem, they reinstall the program or the OS. If that doesn't work either, they use their ultimate weapon – reformat the hard disk.

BC: I’ve suffered the last R quite a few times…

AD: I used to work in a computer company where the Regional Manager had a competitor's machine installed in his cabin. He would start each day by kicking it.

BC: Was that his way of kick-starting the day?

AD: Well, let’s say that he loved to give competition the boot...

BC: What if they kicked him back?

AD: He would probably 'reboot'...

BC: If they managed to keep scores, they would be having a neat little game…

AD: Talking of games, do you know what links the boot process to IPL?

BC: Please! Don't we all need a long break from it?

AD: Wait, IPL stands for Initial Program Load – it is the process of mainframes booting up.

BC: It always gets confusing when a term has different interpretations, doesn't it?

AD: But cricket and computers are two different worlds. How would you react to computer jargon with multiple meanings?

BC: Like?

AD: Like restore, for instance. You can 'restore' a window to its original size using the center button in the top right corner of the title bar. Restore also refers to altering the system to an earlier setting or even to its factory setting in case of a problem or virus attack.

BC: Do you think the maintenance guy will restore my faith in computers?

AD: Reload is another such term. It could refer to reinstalling a program - or refreshing a browser page to 'reload' the content.

BC: Surely the computer maintenance guy does not have to reinstall the OS just because I've lost some files...

AD: No, in that case, he would try to retrieve - in short, search for and locate the lost file.

BC: So what happens if everything's been tried out and my computer is still not working?

AD: If it’s new, we have a different set of 3Rs for it.

BC: Really?

AD: Yes, React, Return and Refund. Pick up your computer, go back to where you bought it from - and demand your money back!

Laterally linear or linearly lateral?

Technology has a linear and a lateral way of evolving – but what if the two paths cross each other?

AD: Hey, long time!

BC: Was sick for over a fortnight – the doctors couldn’t find out what the problem was. What’s the point with all this technology…

AD: Ah, I knew that was coming… why blame your illness on technology?

BC: No I’m not. But I had enough time to think of the two-pronged manner in which technology is unravelling and…

AD: Two-pronged?

BC: That’s right – give me an example of technology in our lives…

AD: Television?

BC: Er, ok. There are two groups that are constantly trying to outdo each other in taking television to the next level. The first group is trying to make the TV smarter, sleeker, flatter, smaller and more innovative, like HD TV, 3D TV, etc. This is what I call a linear extension to the product – in other words, it’s evolution along a straight line.

AD: And the other group?

BC: The other group employs lateral techniques. For starters, it begins with a key question – why does one need a television to watch TV? So it makes the TV redundant by porting the application onto another device, like the computer.

AD: So what wins, linear or lateral?

BC: That depends on whichever is the more convenient of the two. You can’t beat watching TV the conventional way, so the excitement of 3G on mobiles or on the computer has not affected the regular 29” at home. Having said that, the computer has made quite a few things redundant…

AD: Yes, table top calendars, clocks… even music.

BC: Absolutely! Ever since the computer arrived with a CD drive, people stopped buying CD players. Everyone began to listen to music and even watch movies on their computers…

AD: Then came Napster and mp3 - soon, even CD drives and audio CDs were made redundant. People could just download their favourite music for a nominal fee or for free!

BC: So the ‘lateral’ group has been at work, displacing regular audio systems, huh?

AD: It looked like that for a while, but Apple brought the linear thinkers right back on track with its iPods – a natural extension of Sony’s Walkman and the Discman…

BC: What about listening to music on your mobile? That’s as popular as iPod music, isn’t it?

AD: Agreed, mobile downloads are so popular that cellular services companies are making more on music than music label companies are…

BC: One of the most important things that the mobile phone has successfully displaced is…

AD: …the wristwatch?

BC: Absolutely! And the…

AD: …alarm clock.

BC: Correct! Another industry that’s been hard-hit by mobiles is the camera industry. First, digital cameras virtually brought the shutters down on traditional film rolls. Then they became a prominent feature in mobile phones - and suddenly, cameras went out of focus…

AD: Come to think of it, when was the last time you saw a good old-fashioned photo album? It’s all online now…

BC: I don’t mind web albums, but nothing will replace my good, old-fashioned books…

AD: Well, e-book readers are already here…

BC: Sorry, let me continue being an eccentric book reader than an electronic book reader.

AD: So, is it being a case of linearly lateral or laterally linear?

BC: As long as it doesn’t make me literally loony, I’ll just go with the flow…

IBM + BMW = IBMW?

Cars could be driven by computers in the future, but right now, similarities between the two are driving an old-timer crazy…

AD: Hey, what’s up? You seem lost…

BC: A friend of mine bought a Mini hardly a year ago – and an updated version is already out...

AD: But the Mini is such an old car from the British Motor Corporation – what do you mean updated?

BC: I was referring to the Mac Mini, a desktop from Apple! I'm surprised that you know about old cars.

AD: And I'm shocked that you know about the Mac Mini!

BC: Very funny! But what's funnier is that one can confuse a car with a computer...

AD: Why not? They have quite a few things in common...

BC: Like what?

AD: Well, both can give you hell if they break down – you're left stranded and…

BC: …both need expert service engineers, else you are doomed.

AD: Right on! And both work well until they're opened – once opened, both cars and computers will have frequent problems…

BC: Absolutely!

AD: It's not just with service and maintenance, cars and computers have similarities even in their names...

BC: Really?

AD: Have you heard of the Meteor?

BC: Sure, the Ford Meteor...

AD: Ah, I was referring to the HCL Meteor, a Unix server, and not to the sedan from Ford. Incidentally, there was also a Mercury Meteor, from the Lincoln Mercury division of Ford.

BC: Guess people were always curious about rocks from outer space...

AD: And what does Vista remind you of?

BC: Windows Vista, of course! Wait, and the Indica Vista, from Tata Motors…

AD: That’s not all! The late 70s had Vista Cruiser, a station wagon from Oldsmobile. Then there was the Toyota Vista…

BC: Vista means view, doesn’t it? Whew, what a crowded view it’s getting to be…

AD: Are you familiar with the Vectra?

BC: The Hewlett-Packard Vectra series of desktop computers?

AD: No, the Opel Vectra, a large family car…

BC: Why couldn't people just explore newer avenues for names?

AD: They did – and came up with the name Explorer. Microsoft’s browser, Internet Explorer, lets you explore the web while Ford Explorer, an SUV, lets you explore the world…

BC: And to think that an Explorer is someone who does not follow the beaten path...

AD: Explorer reminds me of Safari…

BC: Tata Safari?

AD: And the Citroën Safari, a station wagon.

BC: Hey, there was a Pontiac Safari too, right?

AD: Right! There was also a mid-sized van named GMC Safari from Chevrolet. And guess what Apple’s graphical web browser is called?

BC: Safari?

AD: Absolutely! It was not just land expeditions – even sea adventures generated enough competition.

BC: If you’re referring to the Armada, I can think of the Mahindra Armada…

AD: Compaq’s range of notebook PCs is also called Armada. So is Nissan’s SUV.

BC: Is this how elite names become commonplace?

AD: Don’t know about that, but I can tell you about 'elite' cars like the Lotus Elite and the Ford Elite. Microsoft released the Xbox 360 Elite in 2007.

BC: Perhaps the similarities are because both cars and computers have windows…

AD: Well, the similarities continue even to computers that follow open systems and cars that are open-topped… This is best summed up through a hoarding line for the open-top BMW Forsdicks – ‘Our hardware runs better without windows’.  

Back to the future

What does it take to learn the latest in computers? Time travel, says an old-timer…

AD: Why do old-timers find it so difficult to come to terms with computers?

BC: What do you mean?

AD: Well, you know, older generations and new technology…

BC: So you think computers are modern?

AD: Of course!

BC: Incidentally, man began using calculating devices more than 5000 years ago…

AD: C’mon, that’s the world’s oldest argument… The abacus you’re referring to was just the beginning of the computing evolution.

BC: Ok, what’s the smallest unit of storage in a computer?

AD: Bit? Binary digit?

BC: Binary representations – 0s and 1s - were used in ancient India to classify Vedic meters as far back as the second century AD. And that’s how information is stored today – as binary numbers.

AD: Information storage was perfected 1700 years BEFORE the computer was invented?

BC: Funnily enough, even data storage media was in place before computers were.

AD: What?

BC: Remember punch cards? They were first used by Jacquard in 1804 to program his loom so that it could perform predefined tasks. Almost a century later, this technology was adopted by the Recording and Tabulating Company, which you now know as...

AD: IBM!

BC: Correct! But one thing did not change - there were enough people to oppose the new wave of technology even back then – they called themselves the Luddites.

AD: So human intelligence was in plenty, but constantly challenged... You're right, nothing has changed!

BC: Absolutely! We had enough brainpower to get a grip on artificial intelligence too, several thousand years ago.

AD: You're having me on, right?

BC: Of course not... we had perfected a system to paraphrase Sanskrit – scientists have found it to be pretty similar to our current understanding of artificial intelligence...

AD: At this rate you’re going to be telling me that Chanakya wrote software.

BC: Not Chanakya, but Aryabhatta. Isn’t it amazing that even programming came into existence much before computers did?

AD: You're kidding!

BC: Developing solutions to solve problems was made possible 3600 years ago... Aryabhata developed algorithms called kuttaka that helped solve linear intermediate equations…

AD: How do you know all this? I thought I was the expert here.

BC: Sorry, the experts came much before you and your computers. Panini's path-breaking work in setting rules and definitions for Sanskrit grammar has been found to be in line with the rules that define the structure of modern day computer science.

AD: From Sanskrit to Silicon Valley… incredible!

BC: Yes! Now, what would you call a procedure for solving a problem, in computer terminology?

AD: An algorithm, of course!

BC: Right! Do you know that the term dates back to the 9th century when notations were made using Hindu Arabic numerals by Al-Khwarizmi, an Arab scholar? They were known as Al-Khwarizmi or Algorismi. Today you know them as...

AD: …algorithms!

BC: Absolutely! In the modern day context, Ada Lovelace developed the first algorithm for Charles Babbage’s Analytical Machine in 1843. She is popularly referred to as the world's first computer programmer and the computer language Ada was named in her honour.

AD: At this rate, you will be telling me that there was also an equivalent of Facebook many centuries ago...

BC: Yes, people back then had developed a very efficient system to network with the world outside.

AD: What was it?

BC: They just opened their windows and had chat sessions with their neighbours.

The X-factor

Who would have thought that disagreeing with a computer would lead to problems with your ‘x’?

BC: My computer seems to hate the letter x…

AD: Must be a keyboard problem.

BC: No, my keyboard is fine, it’s these files that have x in their extension…

AD: Do you suspect paranormal activity?

BC: Why do you ask that?

AD: You seem to have some ‘X-Files’ problems…

BC: Kind of, yes… What do I do about it?

AD: Change your password to ‘I want to believe’. A month after, change it to ‘the truth is out there’, then to ‘trust no one’ and after that, ‘deny everything’.

BC: What are you talking about?

AD: Just kidding, those were the taglines of the X-Files. But Agent Mulder’s password was ‘TrustNo1’ as in, ‘trust no one’. It worked for him, so it could…

BC: I’m talking about Word files and Powerpoint files that I’m unable to open because they are now .docx and .pptx instead of .doc and .ppt!

AD: But that’s been on for a while now! The 2007 Microsoft Office system introduced a new file format based on XML, so all documents and presentations are saved with an x in the file extension. And Excel files are .xlsx.

BC: With double x and triple x extensions, one might have to go for porn filters shortly. Why are they making things so complicated?

AD: If this is complicated, imagine file extensions like xxxxxx, xltenx, xlsmenx, xlthtml, xlsmhtml, xlsbenx…

BC: Stop, this is getting too celebral for me!

AD: What you probably need is Cerebro – it’s a device that helps amplify brainwaves and…

BC: So you think I’m dumb.

AD: Not at all! Don’t you know that 'X-Men' use Cerebro to…

BC: No thanks, I don’t need to worry about mutants because my security settings are pretty high – possibly too high because I get ActiveX error messages.

AD: See? Another ‘x’ problem. ActiveX brings to life the multimedia effects in the websites that you view. Try enabling ActiveX controls in your setting…

BC: Talking of ActiveX, I also receive DirectX error messages…

AD: Ah, playing games on the computer, are we? What kind of error messages?

BC: Something about the DirectX installed in my computer being incompatible.

AD: DirectX is a package that helps enhance the graphic features of your games. You could be having an older version or perhaps have a file missing. Just reinstall it from your games CD or from the Microsoft website.

BC: That’s not all – my computer gives me error messages that it cannot open .x32 files…

AD: X32 is an extension that supports Macromedia files, so if your computer cannot open the file, you need to download a program that can do the job.

BC: Thankfully, my computer does not have an X drive. Can you imagine the havoc it would have caused?

AD: You’re lucky – Xdrive was an online service that allowed you to store around 5 GB of data for free. The service, however, has been discontinued.

BC: I still don’t understand why x has become such a hex for me?

AD: Do you know that an ‘x’ is used instead of a signature when someone is illiterate?

BC: Are you telling me that I’m computer-illiterate?

AD: Of course not! I have a better idea - since you use your computer only for playing games, why not exchange it for something else?

BC: Like what?

AD: How about an Xbox?

Technology @ Play

22 players. 4 umpires. And a computer. Is that why cricket has become full of glitches?

AD: Hey, no mails from you for a long time... no Facebook updates, no Twitter messages...

BC: Ever since the World Cup began, I haven't managed to go near the computer. The only screen that I've been staring at is that of my TV.

AD: Well, you can probably do without a computer, but cricket can’t.

BC: Computers in cricket? Now I know why the game has frequent stoppages, its future ‘hangs’ in balance, newer versions are constantly being tried out and everyone’s claiming that the game’s gone corrupt.

AD: Oh c’mon! Technology adds a lot more clarity and insight to the game.

BC: Really?

AD: The UDRS (Umpire Decision Review System) ensures that the on-field umpires don’t make mistakes…

BC: …except in lbw decisions when the impact of the ball on the pads is over 2.5 metres from the stumps.

AD: Well, the ICC has amended that rule now. What about Hotspot? That’s hi-tech stuff used by the military - it creates bright spots when there is friction produced by the collision of two objects. So it’s easy to spot an edge when the bat comes in contact with the ball.

BC: What use is technology that can’t be made available everywhere? This World Cup is being played without Hotspot as the team behind it wasn’t willing to provide the infra-red cameras.

AD: If you can’t see the edges, you can hear them with the Snickometer. It has a microphone connected to an oscilloscope and if there’s noise of ball brushing the bat, it’s displayed graphically…

BC: It’s not just edges that you can hear… Kids at home are being exposed to terrible language and desperate sledging by the players because of the microphone. At this rate, we’ll soon need a new technology to beep out their swearing.

AD: What about Hawkeye then? It’s a computer system that traces a ball's trajectory and predicts if it would have hit the stumps.

BC: Does Hawkeye take into account factors like the deteriorating nature of the pitch, wear and tear of the ball or weather conditions? Any of these can alter a ball’s trajectory.

AD: Talking of weather, Duckworth Lewis is a big help in achieving a result in rain-affected matches…

BC: You should ask South Africa that. In the 1992 World Cup, they needed to score 22 runs off one ball, thanks to the rule. Duckworth Lewis has still not been understood by most and is like a bad formula in school that everyone learns by heart without understanding it.

AD: What about ProBatter, a virtual reality tool that simulates the deliveries of any bowler in the world? Apparently it played a key role in England winning the Ashes.

BC: Really? If that were so, they should have won the subsequent one-day series too. Any particular reasons why they didn’t practice with ProBatter then?

AD: Are you trying to tell me that technology is no good in cricket?

BC: Well, when was the last time someone had an average of 99.94 or took 19 wickets in a test because of a computer?

AD: But the viewing pleasure…

BC: After having waded through the worm, the manhattan, the beehive, stump vision, wagon wheels, pitch maps, rail cam and spider graphs, you realise that cricket was once a simple game…

AD: Obviously technology and you don’t go together.

BC: But my life has a lot in common with cricket. Technology has successfully managed to complicate both.

Mothered by a computer

Imagine if computers became human – and one had to develop a relationship with them!

BC: What’s with these computers? It’s always a virus or files gone corrupt or the machine slowing down…

AD: You’ve got to treat them with love.

BC: Well, I’m already turning them on…

AD: You should treat them like family. Develop a bond with them.

BC: Really?

AD: Treat them like they’re humans – we have a lot in common with them! Computers belong to families too. Like the IBM ES/9000 family, the HP Series 80 family and so on.

BC: Do they leave behind…

AD: …a legacy? Sure they do, except that in their case, it might be old technology, unwanted files, etc.

BC: Such grief for future generations…

AD: That’s another common aspect - like us, computers have generations too. There have been five computer generations thus far.

BC: That’s saying a lot…

AD: Here’s another common aspect – computers need to be booted up for them to start work, much like most human beings.

BC: Nothing inspires like a kick on the backside, huh?

AD: Absolutely. And in moments of a crisis, both computers and human beings freeze.

BC: Considering the fact that some humans have more silicon in them than computers, it’s going to get difficult to differentiate between the two.

AD: CAPTCHA (Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart) takes care of that. Remember those letters that you key in when you register on a website? That’s to ensure that the response is not generated by a computer.

BC: And what kind of a relationship does one maintain with a computer?

AD: Well, there’s enough kinship in the IT world. How about a strict Pop who sets the rules at home, like POP (Post Office Protocol) an internet standard protocol for e-mails? For a milder version of a father, you could choose DAD (Desktop Application Toolbar) from Perfect Office, a floating toolbar to which you can add applications.

BC: No thanks, I wouldn’t want to be fathered by technology…

AD: If you’re looking for maternal love, you could go for MOM (Microsoft Office Manager), the MS Office button bar and the precursor to the shortcut bar. Of course, the mother of all computer technology is the MOTHERboard.

BC: You’re going to make me cry now.

AD: How about some avuncular overtures then? The Unix Net for Computer Security in Law Enforcement is called UNCLE.

BC: No thanks!

AD: Care for some sibling rivalry? Brothersoft.com is one of the Internet’s top three most popular software download sites. An abbreviated form, .BRO is an extension used by various design applications.

BC: Are you suggesting a lost-and-found formula?

AD: Ok then, if you’re looking for a sister, SIS (Software Installation Script) is an archive for Symbian OS.

BC: Have you left anything out?

AD: Yup, a son! That was how EPSON was born – the SON of EP (Electronic Printer).

BC: At this rate, you’ll have little kids running around. Who’ll take care of them?

AD: A disciplinarian nanny, of course! A net NANNY is a software brand that allows you to filter internet content.

BC: I think I’ll just stick to being with humans.

AD: Well, don’t blame the computers if they treat you like unwanted application files that have been left behind on the hard disk.

BC: Unwanted files?

AD: Yup, they’re called ORPHANS.