Back to the future

What does it take to learn the latest in computers? Time travel, says an old-timer…

AD: Why do old-timers find it so difficult to come to terms with computers?

BC: What do you mean?

AD: Well, you know, older generations and new technology…

BC: So you think computers are modern?

AD: Of course!

BC: Incidentally, man began using calculating devices more than 5000 years ago…

AD: C’mon, that’s the world’s oldest argument… The abacus you’re referring to was just the beginning of the computing evolution.

BC: Ok, what’s the smallest unit of storage in a computer?

AD: Bit? Binary digit?

BC: Binary representations – 0s and 1s - were used in ancient India to classify Vedic meters as far back as the second century AD. And that’s how information is stored today – as binary numbers.

AD: Information storage was perfected 1700 years BEFORE the computer was invented?

BC: Funnily enough, even data storage media was in place before computers were.

AD: What?

BC: Remember punch cards? They were first used by Jacquard in 1804 to program his loom so that it could perform predefined tasks. Almost a century later, this technology was adopted by the Recording and Tabulating Company, which you now know as...

AD: IBM!

BC: Correct! But one thing did not change - there were enough people to oppose the new wave of technology even back then – they called themselves the Luddites.

AD: So human intelligence was in plenty, but constantly challenged... You're right, nothing has changed!

BC: Absolutely! We had enough brainpower to get a grip on artificial intelligence too, several thousand years ago.

AD: You're having me on, right?

BC: Of course not... we had perfected a system to paraphrase Sanskrit – scientists have found it to be pretty similar to our current understanding of artificial intelligence...

AD: At this rate you’re going to be telling me that Chanakya wrote software.

BC: Not Chanakya, but Aryabhatta. Isn’t it amazing that even programming came into existence much before computers did?

AD: You're kidding!

BC: Developing solutions to solve problems was made possible 3600 years ago... Aryabhata developed algorithms called kuttaka that helped solve linear intermediate equations…

AD: How do you know all this? I thought I was the expert here.

BC: Sorry, the experts came much before you and your computers. Panini's path-breaking work in setting rules and definitions for Sanskrit grammar has been found to be in line with the rules that define the structure of modern day computer science.

AD: From Sanskrit to Silicon Valley… incredible!

BC: Yes! Now, what would you call a procedure for solving a problem, in computer terminology?

AD: An algorithm, of course!

BC: Right! Do you know that the term dates back to the 9th century when notations were made using Hindu Arabic numerals by Al-Khwarizmi, an Arab scholar? They were known as Al-Khwarizmi or Algorismi. Today you know them as...

AD: …algorithms!

BC: Absolutely! In the modern day context, Ada Lovelace developed the first algorithm for Charles Babbage’s Analytical Machine in 1843. She is popularly referred to as the world's first computer programmer and the computer language Ada was named in her honour.

AD: At this rate, you will be telling me that there was also an equivalent of Facebook many centuries ago...

BC: Yes, people back then had developed a very efficient system to network with the world outside.

AD: What was it?

BC: They just opened their windows and had chat sessions with their neighbours.

The X-factor

Who would have thought that disagreeing with a computer would lead to problems with your ‘x’?

BC: My computer seems to hate the letter x…

AD: Must be a keyboard problem.

BC: No, my keyboard is fine, it’s these files that have x in their extension…

AD: Do you suspect paranormal activity?

BC: Why do you ask that?

AD: You seem to have some ‘X-Files’ problems…

BC: Kind of, yes… What do I do about it?

AD: Change your password to ‘I want to believe’. A month after, change it to ‘the truth is out there’, then to ‘trust no one’ and after that, ‘deny everything’.

BC: What are you talking about?

AD: Just kidding, those were the taglines of the X-Files. But Agent Mulder’s password was ‘TrustNo1’ as in, ‘trust no one’. It worked for him, so it could…

BC: I’m talking about Word files and Powerpoint files that I’m unable to open because they are now .docx and .pptx instead of .doc and .ppt!

AD: But that’s been on for a while now! The 2007 Microsoft Office system introduced a new file format based on XML, so all documents and presentations are saved with an x in the file extension. And Excel files are .xlsx.

BC: With double x and triple x extensions, one might have to go for porn filters shortly. Why are they making things so complicated?

AD: If this is complicated, imagine file extensions like xxxxxx, xltenx, xlsmenx, xlthtml, xlsmhtml, xlsbenx…

BC: Stop, this is getting too celebral for me!

AD: What you probably need is Cerebro – it’s a device that helps amplify brainwaves and…

BC: So you think I’m dumb.

AD: Not at all! Don’t you know that 'X-Men' use Cerebro to…

BC: No thanks, I don’t need to worry about mutants because my security settings are pretty high – possibly too high because I get ActiveX error messages.

AD: See? Another ‘x’ problem. ActiveX brings to life the multimedia effects in the websites that you view. Try enabling ActiveX controls in your setting…

BC: Talking of ActiveX, I also receive DirectX error messages…

AD: Ah, playing games on the computer, are we? What kind of error messages?

BC: Something about the DirectX installed in my computer being incompatible.

AD: DirectX is a package that helps enhance the graphic features of your games. You could be having an older version or perhaps have a file missing. Just reinstall it from your games CD or from the Microsoft website.

BC: That’s not all – my computer gives me error messages that it cannot open .x32 files…

AD: X32 is an extension that supports Macromedia files, so if your computer cannot open the file, you need to download a program that can do the job.

BC: Thankfully, my computer does not have an X drive. Can you imagine the havoc it would have caused?

AD: You’re lucky – Xdrive was an online service that allowed you to store around 5 GB of data for free. The service, however, has been discontinued.

BC: I still don’t understand why x has become such a hex for me?

AD: Do you know that an ‘x’ is used instead of a signature when someone is illiterate?

BC: Are you telling me that I’m computer-illiterate?

AD: Of course not! I have a better idea - since you use your computer only for playing games, why not exchange it for something else?

BC: Like what?

AD: How about an Xbox?

Technology @ Play

22 players. 4 umpires. And a computer. Is that why cricket has become full of glitches?

AD: Hey, no mails from you for a long time... no Facebook updates, no Twitter messages...

BC: Ever since the World Cup began, I haven't managed to go near the computer. The only screen that I've been staring at is that of my TV.

AD: Well, you can probably do without a computer, but cricket can’t.

BC: Computers in cricket? Now I know why the game has frequent stoppages, its future ‘hangs’ in balance, newer versions are constantly being tried out and everyone’s claiming that the game’s gone corrupt.

AD: Oh c’mon! Technology adds a lot more clarity and insight to the game.

BC: Really?

AD: The UDRS (Umpire Decision Review System) ensures that the on-field umpires don’t make mistakes…

BC: …except in lbw decisions when the impact of the ball on the pads is over 2.5 metres from the stumps.

AD: Well, the ICC has amended that rule now. What about Hotspot? That’s hi-tech stuff used by the military - it creates bright spots when there is friction produced by the collision of two objects. So it’s easy to spot an edge when the bat comes in contact with the ball.

BC: What use is technology that can’t be made available everywhere? This World Cup is being played without Hotspot as the team behind it wasn’t willing to provide the infra-red cameras.

AD: If you can’t see the edges, you can hear them with the Snickometer. It has a microphone connected to an oscilloscope and if there’s noise of ball brushing the bat, it’s displayed graphically…

BC: It’s not just edges that you can hear… Kids at home are being exposed to terrible language and desperate sledging by the players because of the microphone. At this rate, we’ll soon need a new technology to beep out their swearing.

AD: What about Hawkeye then? It’s a computer system that traces a ball's trajectory and predicts if it would have hit the stumps.

BC: Does Hawkeye take into account factors like the deteriorating nature of the pitch, wear and tear of the ball or weather conditions? Any of these can alter a ball’s trajectory.

AD: Talking of weather, Duckworth Lewis is a big help in achieving a result in rain-affected matches…

BC: You should ask South Africa that. In the 1992 World Cup, they needed to score 22 runs off one ball, thanks to the rule. Duckworth Lewis has still not been understood by most and is like a bad formula in school that everyone learns by heart without understanding it.

AD: What about ProBatter, a virtual reality tool that simulates the deliveries of any bowler in the world? Apparently it played a key role in England winning the Ashes.

BC: Really? If that were so, they should have won the subsequent one-day series too. Any particular reasons why they didn’t practice with ProBatter then?

AD: Are you trying to tell me that technology is no good in cricket?

BC: Well, when was the last time someone had an average of 99.94 or took 19 wickets in a test because of a computer?

AD: But the viewing pleasure…

BC: After having waded through the worm, the manhattan, the beehive, stump vision, wagon wheels, pitch maps, rail cam and spider graphs, you realise that cricket was once a simple game…

AD: Obviously technology and you don’t go together.

BC: But my life has a lot in common with cricket. Technology has successfully managed to complicate both.

Mothered by a computer

Imagine if computers became human – and one had to develop a relationship with them!

BC: What’s with these computers? It’s always a virus or files gone corrupt or the machine slowing down…

AD: You’ve got to treat them with love.

BC: Well, I’m already turning them on…

AD: You should treat them like family. Develop a bond with them.

BC: Really?

AD: Treat them like they’re humans – we have a lot in common with them! Computers belong to families too. Like the IBM ES/9000 family, the HP Series 80 family and so on.

BC: Do they leave behind…

AD: …a legacy? Sure they do, except that in their case, it might be old technology, unwanted files, etc.

BC: Such grief for future generations…

AD: That’s another common aspect - like us, computers have generations too. There have been five computer generations thus far.

BC: That’s saying a lot…

AD: Here’s another common aspect – computers need to be booted up for them to start work, much like most human beings.

BC: Nothing inspires like a kick on the backside, huh?

AD: Absolutely. And in moments of a crisis, both computers and human beings freeze.

BC: Considering the fact that some humans have more silicon in them than computers, it’s going to get difficult to differentiate between the two.

AD: CAPTCHA (Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart) takes care of that. Remember those letters that you key in when you register on a website? That’s to ensure that the response is not generated by a computer.

BC: And what kind of a relationship does one maintain with a computer?

AD: Well, there’s enough kinship in the IT world. How about a strict Pop who sets the rules at home, like POP (Post Office Protocol) an internet standard protocol for e-mails? For a milder version of a father, you could choose DAD (Desktop Application Toolbar) from Perfect Office, a floating toolbar to which you can add applications.

BC: No thanks, I wouldn’t want to be fathered by technology…

AD: If you’re looking for maternal love, you could go for MOM (Microsoft Office Manager), the MS Office button bar and the precursor to the shortcut bar. Of course, the mother of all computer technology is the MOTHERboard.

BC: You’re going to make me cry now.

AD: How about some avuncular overtures then? The Unix Net for Computer Security in Law Enforcement is called UNCLE.

BC: No thanks!

AD: Care for some sibling rivalry? Brothersoft.com is one of the Internet’s top three most popular software download sites. An abbreviated form, .BRO is an extension used by various design applications.

BC: Are you suggesting a lost-and-found formula?

AD: Ok then, if you’re looking for a sister, SIS (Software Installation Script) is an archive for Symbian OS.

BC: Have you left anything out?

AD: Yup, a son! That was how EPSON was born – the SON of EP (Electronic Printer).

BC: At this rate, you’ll have little kids running around. Who’ll take care of them?

AD: A disciplinarian nanny, of course! A net NANNY is a software brand that allows you to filter internet content.

BC: I think I’ll just stick to being with humans.

AD: Well, don’t blame the computers if they treat you like unwanted application files that have been left behind on the hard disk.

BC: Unwanted files?

AD: Yup, they’re called ORPHANS.

Bark or byte?

An old-timer gets into a tizz when he realises that a computer has stolen his pet’s name

BC: Can you imagine people naming their pets after computer jargon? I read about this guy who named his guinea pigs Qwerty and Wysiwyg (What you see is what you get).

AD: Not surprising, I have a friend who named his dog Floppy because he had long ears.

BC: Can you imagine a cat being named Laptop and a Chihuahua being called a Widget?

AD: Going by your logic, a mule can be named ASCII and…

BC: But my neighbour's dog can surely be named GIGO (Garbage In, Garbage Out). That’s exactly what he does all day.

AD: But why can’t animals be named after computer terminology when computer parts are named after animals?

BC: What do you mean?

AD: One of the reasons why the mouse was named so was because the cord that connected it to the computer resembled a tail.

BC: But now you’ve also got Mouse NT.

AD: NT as in New Technology, like Windows NT?

BC: No, NT as in No Tail - the cordless infrared mouse.

AD: And then, you have software glitches that are called bugs. Can you believe that they once found a real bug – a moth – that caused the malfunction of the computer?

BC: That must have been terribly bugging, right?

AD: But the bug didn’t stop there. Technology dug its way underground as well and unleashed the worm, a destructive, self-replicating programme that ‘worms’ its way into computer networks. There are different kinds of worms - Sadmind, Sasser, Santy, Klez, Blaster, Sober, Witty…

BC: Sounds like the seven dwarves with Snow White…

AD: Snow White incidentally, is a virus that appeared a decade ago.

BC: A virus and seven worms causing millions of computers to lie still and lifeless – that doesn’t make for a pretty fairy tale.

AD: Then there’s GNU, an operating system that’s…

BC: Gnu’s an African antelope, right?

AD: Yes, but it stands for Gnu’s Not Unix – hence GNU!

BC: Who would go for a name like that?

AD: ‘Go for’ reminds me of gopher, an internet application. You'll be surprised at the number of animals that are called gopher – a species of rodent, a large burrowing snake, a prairie squirrel, a large land tortoise…

BC: I can understand technology being named after an antelope - but a tortoise?

AD: In that case, what would you say to a programming language named python? Did you know that it was developed for an open source operating system called Amoeba?

BC: Can you imagine calling helpline and complaining that there's a virus in your amoeba?

AD: How about Tomcat, a java-based web server from Apache? They also created Ant – an acronym for Another Neat Tool - a software tool for Java projects.

BC: Worms, viruses and ants. Think I’ll just go back to conventional names like Coco for my dog.

AD: Sorry, the Tandy TRS-80 Color Computer was called Coco, short for Color Computer.

BC: Ok, Lassie then? That’s common enough, right?

AD: Not really. LASsie (Light Application Security) is a library of Microsoft Access objects…

BC: Is there anything at all that I can call my pet?

AD: How about ‘dog’? It's not yet computer jargon.

BC: Oh c’mon…

AD: It could have been worse. Imagine if your pet was a mouse…

Your wall or mine?

The dilemma of an individual when he finds out that the latest ‘status’ symbol in life is a wall.

BC: I always thought these newfangled sites were designed to make us lazy. But…

AD: Really? I get so much done on Facebook - even as I check my friends out, I handle training programmes.

BC: E-learning?

AD: No, KOC.

BC: K-12 Online Certification?

AD: No, Kingdoms of Camelot.

BC: What’s that?

AD: You don’t know? It's a craze on Facebook. It's about building cities, raising armies, training them and defending your city from outside attacks.

BC: I’m just too busy defending my wall.

AD: Why, what happened?

BC: Facebook is now writing my updates for me. All my friends are getting weird messages, supposedly sent by me.

AD: Like, ‘Now you really can see who views your profile!’ with a link?

BC: Exactly!

AD: What did you do?

BC: Sorry?

AD: Did you click on anything phishy?

BC: Well, I got a message from a friend that said, ‘Hey, what are you doing in this video?’

AD: Listen, stop clicking on everything you see. For instance, there’s a message which says, ‘Hey, is this really you in this photo?’

BC: I got that too!

AD: Don’t click on it or that might really be you in the photo - in the newspapers.

BC: What do you mean?

AD: Nicolas Sarkozy, Mark Zuckerberg, Paris Hilton and Robert Pattinson made it to the papers recently for a social cause - their social networking accounts were hacked.

BC: So what do I do?

AD: Choose your privacy and security settings wisely. Never settle for the default or recommended option.

BC: But we always choose default settings when we install any software, don’t we?

AD: Software doesn’t ask you ‘what’s on your mind’. Facebook does, so think for yourself.

BC: Ouch, ok.

AD: And never let apps and games lie dormant.

BC: What am I supposed to do? Play Mafia Wars and exchange chocolate cows all day long?

AD: Mafia Wars and Farmville are passé. I'm into...

BC: You told me... Camels of Kingslot.

AD: Kingdoms of Camelot – you’re obviously too old for this. That reminds me, never give out your date of birth.

BC: I’m too embarrassed to. I can hardly understand the status messages posted by these college kids.

AD: Why?

BC: Can you imagine a status message like ‘How!’ getting 24 responses varying from ‘Phat’ to ‘YTB’ and ‘Yeah, babe’, all in an hour? And 17 people 'liked' the message. Wish there was an ‘unlike’ button too…

AD: There is, but I would advise you not to go near it. That’s another popular scam that takes control of your account.

BC: Good Lord, at this rate, I’ll be needing a book of do’s and don’ts to operate my Facebook account.

AD: There IS a 24-page e-book titled ‘The Holy Grail of Facebook Privacy’ that you can buy online.

BC: A book that tells me how to write on other people’s walls and not get scammed? I don’t believe it!

AD: There are simpler ways to learn these things. Aruna had posted a message with a link that explained everything about security features on Facebook… didn’t you read it?

BC: Actually, I didn’t click on it.

AD: Why???

BC: Thought it could be spam.

Googling for Facebook

A desperate attempt by an individual to keep track of all that's happening in the world of technology. L Suresh listens in...

BC: Looks like they finally caught the Google guy.

AD: They caught the who?

BC: That guy who leaked important documents? Can you imagine? First, he creates a website through which we can search for information and then, he leaks it all himself!

AD: Wait a minute! That’s not the Google guy.

BC: He’s not? Oh ok, he’s the guy they made that movie on, right? The guy who reportedly lost all his friends in the process of making a site that helped people make friends?

AD: Mark Zuckerberg? No, it’s not him. He created Facebook. And he didn’t leak documents. He gave us all an opportunity to leak our personal information to the world. Incidentally, where do you get your information from?

BC: I searched for it on Xing.

AD: You mean Bing! Xing is a social networking site for professionals, much like LinkedIn and Viadeo.

BC: Viadeo is that American media giant, right?

AD: No, Viadeo is a professional networking site. You’re confusing them with Viacom, an American media conglomerate.

BC: So what's Bing?

AD: It's a search engine like Google, that helps you find things.

BC: And who owns Bing?

AD: Microsoft bought them over. Now don’t ask me who founded Microsoft.

BC: I know, I know. Bill Gates!

AD: And…?

BC: Steve Jobs?

AD: Here we go again! Steve Jobs is the guy who founded Apple with Steve Wozniak.

BC: But Apple is the Mac company, right?

AD: Whew, yes!

BC: Isn’t that owned by John Sculley?

AD: Sculley was the CEO, but Steve Jobs founded the company.

BC: And Microsoft?

AD: It was founded by Bill Gates and Paul Allen. And please don’t mistake him for Tim Allen or Paul Scherz.

BC: Who are they?

AD: It doesn’t matter.

BC: And who owns Google?

AD: It was started by two guys…

BC: Ah, the famous pair! I know them – Jerry Yang and David Filo!

AD: Nope, these were the guys who founded Yahoo!

BC: Speaking of Yahoo!, I just registered on Buzz – I’m trying to locate my friends now.

AD: Er, aren’t you talking about Google Buzz? That’s the networking service. Yahoo! Buzz is about sharing stories and articles with others.

BC: Talking of Google, a friend of mine was telling me about Google’s new smart phone, the Wave, with touch screen and…

AD: You’re getting mixed up again… That is Samsung Wave, a series of edgy phones with social networking features. Google Wave is an online platform that helps you collaborate on various interaction and communication tools.

BC: You were going to mention the guys who created Google…

AD: Oh yeah, Google was the brainchild of Sergey Brin and Larry…

BC: Sanger!

AD: You got the wrong Larry… Larry Page and Sergey Brin started Google… Larry Sanger and Jimmy Wales began Wikipedia.

BC: Wikipedia! That’s the company that owns Wikileaks, right?

AD: No, Wikipedia has nothing to do with Wikileaks! And Wikileaks was started by Julian Assange. He’s the guy you were referring to. He was arrested and is now out on bail!

BC: But what did he do to get arrested?

AD: Oh, that’s a long story. If you want to know more, why don’t you just Google him?