It’s a camera... It’s a computer... It’s a mobile phone!

What's the point of a mobile phone offering GPS facilities if it can't help an old-timer find his way through a maze of choices?

AD: Hey what’s up, you don’t seem to be answering your calls?

BC: My mobile phone isn’t working. I might have to buy a new one.

AD: Don’t look so sad - there are some great mobile phones in the market.

BC: It's not that. When I was your age, anything we bought lasted for decades...

AD: How old is your phone?

BC: I bought it in 2003…

AD: Eight years? Are you kidding? You have a relic in your hands. Why don't you sell it to a technology museum for a few lakhs, get yourself a swanky iphone and...

BC: Very funny. I wasn’t worried about the cost. Buying a mobile has become so complicated these days…

AD: What do you mean?

BC: Remember the mid-90s? There were just 3-4 brands to choose from...

AD: Just four brands? Imagine, the IPL wouldn't have had enough sponsors on TV...

BC: IPL reminds me of other abbreviations we had to choose from - CDMA and GSM...

AD: I remember that – CDMA connections had eight digit numbers right?

BC: Yes, and there were only three models – the straight candy bar type, the flip phone and the sliding type.

AD: Each weighing a few kilos...

BC: Whatever! The point is, choosing a mobile phone model was simple. And cellular service providers conducted ‘handset melas’. I remember one where you could buy four phones and get one free.

AD: You’re kidding me!

BC: Of course not. In fact, people waited outside the venue to form groups of five with strangers - they would then share the discount amongst themselves. Back then, it wasn’t about handsets, it was about going cellular...

AD: How things have changed!

BC: You’re telling me! I recall an ad congratulating a service provider in Chennai for reaching the '5000 subscribers' landmark… that was around 15 years ago…

AD: Now you're being funny...

BC: No, seriously…

AD: Do you know that we are currently the world’s second-largest mobile phone market, after China? I doubt if any other country uses mobile phones as extensively as we do…

BC: Speaking of usage, things were pretty simple back then. There was no life beyond calls and messages. Then came the fancy gadgets – alarm clock, radio, mp3, flashlight, camera...

AD: You call them fancy?

BC: Go ahead, laugh! Then came bluetooth, internet-enabled phones, Wi-Fi connectivity, add-on memory chips...

AD: That’s right, establishing connectivity with other devices was so convenient, wasn’t it?

BC: To me, it just complicated things. And it got worse with dual SIMs, QWERTY keypads, touchscreen, multimedia, GPS...

AD: What you need is a landline with a long cord so it can be mobile...

BC: I'm ignoring that. But the latest seems to be 3G…

AD: 4G could be on its way in, and there is a possibility of a futuristic 5G in the next decade…

BC: To me, G still stands for the earth’s gravity, which is pulling me down so much that I'm not able to keep pace with your generation...

AD: You better start moving fast… India’s racing towards a 3G era…

BC: You’re talking of 3G - can you imagine a place that still thrives on .16G?

AD: Which place is this?

BC: The moon – the gravity there is just around 16% of what it is on earth.

Get plussed, feel blessed?

So many friends, but too little time for them? Here comes along the perfect solution – another social networking site...

AD: Have you been plussed?

BC: What do you mean plussed? Such questions typically leave me nonplussed.

AD: Well, it depends on whether you have been circled…

BC: Circled? Plussed?

AD: Don’t tell me you don’t have any hangouts either…

BC: At my age, I just feel blessed that my tummy doesn’t hang out, so don’t make fun of me.

AD: So you are missing out on some serious sparks in your life…

BC: At this rate, you will be encouraging my wife to visit a marriage counsellor…

AD: No, I was merely encouraging you to visit Google Plus, the new social networking site in cybertown.

BC: Really?

AD: What do you mean, ‘really’? Haven’t you been invited to it yet?

BC: Why, is it a life-altering experience?

AD: C’mon, how can you not be a part of Google Plus? Do you know that it is growing at the rate of one million users per day and currently stands at 25 million users, as per a report released last week?

BC: Is that a big thing?

AD: Apparently Facebook took three years to get there, while Twitter took six months lesser to reach the 25 million mark…

BC: But how many more social networking sites do we need?

AD: How many are you a member of?

BC: I have hardly figured out Orkut, Facebook and Google Buzz - and Google Plus has already arrived. And I’m continuing to receive invites for several other sites like Family Tree, Friend Share, Brizy, Quepasa…

AD: Wow, you seem to be a pretty popular guy…

BC: I don’t know half the guys who send me invites. Just logging into each site, checking out comments, accepting invites and requests keeps me busy…

AD: In other words, you have no time for friends now…

BC: Yes, my head’s spinning in circles…

AD: That’s an indication that you’ve been plussed…

BC: Here we go again…

AD: Just kidding... Google Plus works with concepts like Circles, Sparks and Hangouts. You add friends to Circles, meet people at Hangouts, flag your interests under Sparks…

BC: So what do I do with all my friends, comments and images from…

AD: Hold it, I’m not asking you to move to Google Plus. Stick to whatever suits you...

BC: No, I’m just curious…

AD: Don’t be, because as with Facebook, the S word is likely to get you into a lot of trouble if you aren’t careful with it…

BC: Sanity?

AD: No, security… I had no idea that all my albums and blogs were open to anyone who added me to their circles… that was scary… I’m slowly getting the hang of the security settings in Google Plus…

BC: But what about Facebook? Aren’t you getting withdrawal symptoms?

AD: I’m active on that as well… Hey, I had a weird dream about Facebook last night.

BC: Let me guess. They had broken down the ‘walls’ and installed barbed wire instead...

AD: No, worse… Every time I tried to write on someone’s wall, I got a message that said ‘comments are closed for this section’.

BC: You must be traumatised…

AD: Right now, I'm torn between Facebook and Google Plus…

BC: Guess Google Plus has found an effective solution to that…

AD: What’s that?

BC: Well, if they keep you going around in circles, when will you have the time to write on walls?

When ‘Apple' was just a fruit

The past with its nascent technology or the present that is ruled by it? The argument never ends...

AD: Hi, I've been trying your number for a long time...

BC: I was speaking to my cousin Arun from Bengaluru... He was lamenting the fact that his daughter was growing up without the little joys that he had experienced as a kid.

AD: Why do I get the feeling that you are going to blame it on technology?

BC: Well, back then, we had one TV channel, went to the theatres once a month, had lots of friends, played outdoors, read lots of books – that was so much fun! And now...

AD: Kids are having more fun now - almost 200 channels on TV, computer games, chats, social networking sites... There's so much to do...

BC: Isn't it eerie to live in a world where your best friend is a computer?

AD: Look back at your college days, when you used to wait for days for a letter from your folks or send them telegrams when you needed money. Today, all it takes is an e-mail or an sms...

BC: It's been decades since I passed out and I still have those letters and birthday cards preserved for posterity. You can't do that to mails and sms-es...

AD: Well, we're saving trees for sure...

BC: Possibly true, but why would you want technology to kill the most charming form of personal communication when you can use it to make recycled paper?

AD: Hey, we are all moving towards a paperless world...

BC: Looks like it will not just be paperless, but also friendless. Kids seem to be more interested in messaging their 'friends' on social networking sites than stepping out to make friends in their neighbourhood.

AD: Crowded neighbourhoods... cramped spaces...

BC: During my times, space was measured in terms of distance and area. Then we started launching rockets and satellites and space came to be measured in light years. Now, we live in an era where servers and hard disks rule, and space is measured in GB...

AD: But technology has helped medical science come a long way. Everything can be cured...

BC: ...except the common cold!

AD: You are mocking science now...

BC: You are entitled to your views, but I still pity these kids...

AD: You are wasting your time. The last time I heard Arun's daughter talking to her friends, they were all feeling sorry for you.

BC: What? But why?

AD: They were shocked to know that you grew up in a world without Facebook and mobile phones. They were curious to know how you managed to keep in touch with friends who were abroad, what you did when you desperately wanted to speak to a friend in the middle of the night...

BC: I didn't, I used to sleep when it was night.

AD: But how did you search without Google?

BC: There were libraries, encyclopedia volumes...

AD: You would have had to wait for a whole day for the latest news. No twitter, no mobile updates, no breaking news...

BC: Well, the wait didn't kill us...

AD: They had another question – with no iPods, YouTube, mp3 and streaming formats, what did you do for entertainment?

BC: Have you listened to all the remixes going around today? Just tell them that back then, we listened to the originals.

.anything can happen

According to the PGA tour, Together, anything is possible, but the IT world has begun to believe that .anything is possible too.

AD: Hey, what's up?

BC: I'm looking for some information on books by Japanese authors.

AD: Why don't you search in search dot search?

BC: Why are you repeating yourself?

AD: I am not. I merely asked you to search in...

BC: Now you're definitely repeating yourself. So what's search dot search?

AD: Well, the online world was being held to ransom by cybersquatters who were registering popular domain names and were forcing large corporates to…

BC: …pay them fancy sums to vacate.

AD: Absolutely! That was when a few wise men and women got together to throw some light on the topic…

BC: So they gathered around the glow of a computer monitor...

AD: Very funny. They figured that the way ahead was by questioning the norm...

BC: Which is...?

AD: Why should life on the worldwide web be limited to .com, .net, .org and .biz?

BC: You left out .info, .edu, .gov...

AD: Well, there are 22 such suffixes authorised thus far.

BC: So who's authorising these?

AD: ICANN.

BC: That sounds like the sequel to 'Yes, we can'. You mean Obama and his team are out to save the world again?

AD: No ICANN stands for The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers. They may not save the world, but they're trying their best to save corporates from being held to ransom. This new system will also give companies and brands more marketing options as they go global.

BC: So no more dotcoms?

AD: Not really. Dotcom still stays, but a shop could have .shop, a car manufacturer could have .car, a computer manufacturer could have .pc and so on.

BC: Ok, so that's what you were referring to when you said search.search. Imagine, you can have a website with the address www.writer.writer and an email id like write2writer@writer.writer...

AD: You’re kidding! Getting a new domain will involve an initial registration fee of around 185,000 USD. Add another 25,000 USD a year as operational fees...

BC: And what if two cola companies were to bid for a .cola domain name?

AD: There will be a bid for the name and it will go to the highest bidder.

BC: So when's this race beginning?

AD: You'll have to wait until next year. A 90 day window has been fixed between January 12 and April 12 to apply for a name. The approved domain names will go live by the end of 2012.

BC: So even if the world comes to an end by 2012, the online world will continue to exist and send us spam and pop-up messages.

AD: Are all old folks this cynical or is it just you?

BC: Hey, I was just kidding. So what happens if someone asks for a Sanskrit name?

AD: Not to worry - domains will be available in any language, from Assamese to Zulu.

BC: Considering the fact that google has become such a generic term for search, imagine a scenario where a search engine named Control Online Matter (COM) applies for .google. In such a case, there could be a problem.

AD: What?

BC: Would you then use - google.com or com.google?

Worldy Wise Women.com

Chauvinists may want to think of a world without women, but it's impossible to think of an IT world without them...

AD: Hey, what’s up?

BC: I need to finish some work quickly and then attend a wedding. We’re running late, and she's started yet...

AD: What’s taking her so long?

BC: Guess it’s all those accessories…

AD: Oh, ok…

BC: I’ve tried really hard, but I’m yet to understand why she chooses to do things so differently…

AD: Could it be because you don’t speak her language?

BC: You’re right, I don’t. She has her own logic that she internalizes with…

AD: Have you tried getting the message across?

BC: No, each time I try, she simply switches off.

AD: Perhaps her memory...?

BC: No, that’s good. I got that checked recently. In fact, she not only remembers all my mistakes, she recalls them too.

AD: Oops, that’s not good for you…

BC: And she gets heated up for no reason at all.

AD: Think she could have caught a virus?

BC: That’s not possible, she has a check-up every month.

AD: But you just cannot do without her, can you?

BC: That’s right. She's terrific in solving problems, but I guess she’s become old – I'll have to go for an upgrade.

AD: What? How can you talk about your wife like that?

BC: Wife? I was talking about my computer!

AD: But why do you refer to a computer as ‘she’? Women may not like it.

BC: If your macho bike can be feminine, so can my computer. Besides, isn’t it just a way of endearing yourself to your prized possession?

AD: Just that it’s pretty ironical… computers being referred to in feminine gender.

BC: Why, you think women aren’t good enough with computers?

AD: On the contrary, it is widely believed that the world’s first programmer was a woman.

BC: I think we’ve spoken about her once - Ada Lovelace?

AD: That's right. Women have also played a key role in developing languages - the credit for creating COBOL, a programming language, goes to Grace Hopper.

BC: News like these will definitely get more women to take up IT as a profession…

AD: Well, Mattel has been trying to inspire young girls through a Computer Engineer Barbie doll…

BC: Catch them young, huh?

AD: Absolutely! The numbers are pretty dismal in the US – according to a 2009 survey, women hold only 25% of all the computer-related jobs in the country.

BC: I’m sure India fares much better – we have so many women programmers and IT professionals.

AD: Computers have fascinated not just techie women, but also Hollywood actresses – the technique for spread spectrum communication, the technology that drives CDMA phones, GPS, wireless LAN and so much more, was created by Hedy Lamarr.

BC: And people thought actresses were…

AD: Don't say the word! The Computer Algebra System (CAS), the program for symbolic mathematics is derived from the efforts of Grete Hermann, who began as a mathematician and went on to become a philosopher…

BC: I’m sure that a computer must have had that effect on her.

AD: Your misadventures with computers are now legendary…

BC: Guess I have to go now.

AD: She’s ready?

BC: Yes, and the best part is that once she gets started, things get done in a jiffy.

AD: Your computer?

BC: No, I was referring to my wife.

The three Rs of computer maintenance

It doesn’t matter how literate one is. When it comes to making a computer work, one has to learn the three Rs all over again…

BC: The next time someone tells me that a computer helps save time, I will...

AD: Hold on, what happened?

BC: The day before yesterday, the net was slow - I had to wait for the pages to load. Yesterday, my computer had slowed down – it was an eternal wait even to open a word file. Today, my computer has crashed and now I'm waiting for the maintenance guy…

AD: Relax, patience is a virtue...

BC: That holds only for doctors, not for old timers with computer problems... Isn't there a crash course for me to learn these things?

AD: A ‘crash’ course? You wouldn’t dare pun on a topic like that, would you? Seriously speaking, there are no short-cuts – you need to start with the three Rs.

BC: You are kidding me – Reading, wRiting and aRithmetic?

AD: No, Restart, Reinstall and Reformat. Isn't that what most computer maintenance guys do? They restart your machine a few times to see if it begins working again. If that doesn't solve the problem, they reinstall the program or the OS. If that doesn't work either, they use their ultimate weapon – reformat the hard disk.

BC: I’ve suffered the last R quite a few times…

AD: I used to work in a computer company where the Regional Manager had a competitor's machine installed in his cabin. He would start each day by kicking it.

BC: Was that his way of kick-starting the day?

AD: Well, let’s say that he loved to give competition the boot...

BC: What if they kicked him back?

AD: He would probably 'reboot'...

BC: If they managed to keep scores, they would be having a neat little game…

AD: Talking of games, do you know what links the boot process to IPL?

BC: Please! Don't we all need a long break from it?

AD: Wait, IPL stands for Initial Program Load – it is the process of mainframes booting up.

BC: It always gets confusing when a term has different interpretations, doesn't it?

AD: But cricket and computers are two different worlds. How would you react to computer jargon with multiple meanings?

BC: Like?

AD: Like restore, for instance. You can 'restore' a window to its original size using the center button in the top right corner of the title bar. Restore also refers to altering the system to an earlier setting or even to its factory setting in case of a problem or virus attack.

BC: Do you think the maintenance guy will restore my faith in computers?

AD: Reload is another such term. It could refer to reinstalling a program - or refreshing a browser page to 'reload' the content.

BC: Surely the computer maintenance guy does not have to reinstall the OS just because I've lost some files...

AD: No, in that case, he would try to retrieve - in short, search for and locate the lost file.

BC: So what happens if everything's been tried out and my computer is still not working?

AD: If it’s new, we have a different set of 3Rs for it.

BC: Really?

AD: Yes, React, Return and Refund. Pick up your computer, go back to where you bought it from - and demand your money back!

Laterally linear or linearly lateral?

Technology has a linear and a lateral way of evolving – but what if the two paths cross each other?

AD: Hey, long time!

BC: Was sick for over a fortnight – the doctors couldn’t find out what the problem was. What’s the point with all this technology…

AD: Ah, I knew that was coming… why blame your illness on technology?

BC: No I’m not. But I had enough time to think of the two-pronged manner in which technology is unravelling and…

AD: Two-pronged?

BC: That’s right – give me an example of technology in our lives…

AD: Television?

BC: Er, ok. There are two groups that are constantly trying to outdo each other in taking television to the next level. The first group is trying to make the TV smarter, sleeker, flatter, smaller and more innovative, like HD TV, 3D TV, etc. This is what I call a linear extension to the product – in other words, it’s evolution along a straight line.

AD: And the other group?

BC: The other group employs lateral techniques. For starters, it begins with a key question – why does one need a television to watch TV? So it makes the TV redundant by porting the application onto another device, like the computer.

AD: So what wins, linear or lateral?

BC: That depends on whichever is the more convenient of the two. You can’t beat watching TV the conventional way, so the excitement of 3G on mobiles or on the computer has not affected the regular 29” at home. Having said that, the computer has made quite a few things redundant…

AD: Yes, table top calendars, clocks… even music.

BC: Absolutely! Ever since the computer arrived with a CD drive, people stopped buying CD players. Everyone began to listen to music and even watch movies on their computers…

AD: Then came Napster and mp3 - soon, even CD drives and audio CDs were made redundant. People could just download their favourite music for a nominal fee or for free!

BC: So the ‘lateral’ group has been at work, displacing regular audio systems, huh?

AD: It looked like that for a while, but Apple brought the linear thinkers right back on track with its iPods – a natural extension of Sony’s Walkman and the Discman…

BC: What about listening to music on your mobile? That’s as popular as iPod music, isn’t it?

AD: Agreed, mobile downloads are so popular that cellular services companies are making more on music than music label companies are…

BC: One of the most important things that the mobile phone has successfully displaced is…

AD: …the wristwatch?

BC: Absolutely! And the…

AD: …alarm clock.

BC: Correct! Another industry that’s been hard-hit by mobiles is the camera industry. First, digital cameras virtually brought the shutters down on traditional film rolls. Then they became a prominent feature in mobile phones - and suddenly, cameras went out of focus…

AD: Come to think of it, when was the last time you saw a good old-fashioned photo album? It’s all online now…

BC: I don’t mind web albums, but nothing will replace my good, old-fashioned books…

AD: Well, e-book readers are already here…

BC: Sorry, let me continue being an eccentric book reader than an electronic book reader.

AD: So, is it being a case of linearly lateral or laterally linear?

BC: As long as it doesn’t make me literally loony, I’ll just go with the flow…